Life without instructions

The "Dirty" Game

To counter this, my wife said she never drank out of a plastic bag. Yet many, many, many Vietnamese on the road can be seen doing just that--drinking straight out of one of those little filthy ubiquitous plastic bags. And like everyone else in Vietnam, even these bag-drinkers have this incomprehensible (for Westerners, I mean) concept of "clean" and "dirty."

It reminds me of the mean kids in the playground who would play a game called "don't touch the corroded one" (most people know this as "cooties"). They would point to one of the shy kids, mainly me, and say "don't touch him, he's corroded!!!" If I touched something, they would say "now that thing is corroded! Don't touch it!" And of course, to this shy (yet courageous, talented and incredibly handsome) boy who is not playing the game, there is no difference between the corroded object and a non-corroded object. And it logically follows that since everything the boy touches is corroded, and everyone who touches the corroded object becomes corroded, then the floor the boy touches is also corroded and everyone touches the floor :: therefore everyone is corroded. The kids playing the game are unconvinced. Same with me and my Vietnamese family.

Nothing touches the floor. The floor is corroded. That's how the game is played. Tired arms? Holding 10 million bags? Don't put them on the floor, not even to open the door--it's dirty! Double bagged, saran-wrapped, nested in two containers? Still, don't let it touch the floor!

When I moved into my Vietnamese home, my suitcase was annoyingly placed on two of those plastic stools (everyone who's been to Vietnam knows the plastic stools). Eventually, I got tired of balancing my open suitcase while I got my clothes, and I put it on the floor. Meanwhile, I'd been noticing the stream of ants coming from the shower gutter, along the wall and over the sink. I thought, wow, Vietnamese are kind to all animals--they don't do anything about the ants. I'm an amateur entomologist, I was ok with this. But soon that ant stream was a thick rope, and I was maneuvering my soap and toothbrush to get out of its way. Eventually I discovered that the stream of ants terminated under my suitcase. When I lifted it up, I unroofed an enormous colony. Thousands of ants going about their daily task of taking care of babies, feeding babies, moving babies, looked up. I still feel guilty about this, but I found the queen and committed regicide, thus eliminating the colony.

Well, the family found out and were horrified. As if they were seeing ants for the first time, they came double-fisted with cans of insect spray and doused the whole thing. Then they screamed me into a corner and pointed their fingers at me, "Dirty! Dirty qua!!!" as if I had ants coming out of my pores.

The moral of the story: I've been living life the wrong way all this time and I still don't know how it works--and I never will. When you come to another country, it's like you're a naughty three year old. And in my own country and home I'm still a three year old. But my wife loves kids, so it works out.

The attention span of a...nevermind.

Clearly, not enough baby photos to be of interest.

Or, more likely, "honey, why are you over there???" because I'm supposed to be snuggling her while she's perusing baby photos on facebook--that's a full-time job.

But oh, poor wife. She has to deal with a husband who hatches a new crazy idea a week. Then I waste time on prototypes, researching, learning some new form of programming, get so far before I realize I can't do it all myself. Or I bring in crazy crap off the street for some sort of sculpture project I don't have time for. I guess that's my hobby. She always asks "for money?" No, I never even thought about how it would bring us money. "So why do it?" Who knows? The next one may be better.

Cricking da Crack

There comes a time in a man's life when he must "Crick Da Crack." I have no idea what this is, but I'm going to use it all the time. "Honey, get me the...." "Sorry, I'm going down to Crick Da Crack." "Honey, why you..." "I'd hear you out honey, but I have to Crick Da Crack." Thanks to Jenny's friend for the never-ending flow of inspiration!

Oh, and "Peek-a-boo" is now "Pockypoo."

"Facebook Ruins Everything!" Part IV

My wife is a special woman, even by Vietnamese standards. She's urban, but she does not care what people think of her. She does not want expensive handbags or flowers or jewels. When she receives gifts, she gets mad because of the expense, or because it has a minute, acceptable flaw, or it's not the one she wants, or she accepts it but gives it away to friends. When we first met, I was temping and was in a bad way with money. She knew that, but she stuck with me anyway. We've been doing better and better, and she's still sticking with me. It's amazing.

But she's scanning hundreds of pictures and updates of people with $5,000 purses and yachts and vacations and houses and babies, babies, babies (hey facebook "friends," why do you have to take pictures and videos of your baby lying all alone as if it were your dinner on a plate? Why don't you show us the crying and tantrums so we know what to expect?". We'll laugh about the $5,000 purses together, but she does enough scanning in a day that slowly, subliminally, she gets depressed. And then she lashes out at me for about five minutes and then is fine. Until her next scanning session. So facebook does not make her happy, it makes her sad and she has to recover it. For that, I hate facebook on a personal level.

"Facebook Ruins Everything" Part III

Exaggerated? Maybe, but had to be done!

"Facebook Ruins Everything" Part II

The dreaded dirty laundry public explosion.

"Facebook Ruins Everything" Part 1

This may bite the hand of my main demographic, but it has to be said. I'm sure the husbands will agree with me. There is entirely too much facebooking going on.

Before ratting out facebook, it should be noted that facebook is used in a variety of ways. Personally, I use it mainly to post cartoons. Otherwise, I spend time (arguably too much) scanning articles from liked pages like I Fucking Love Science and some friends/family with excellent posting etiquette. As you can see, I don't add friends or use facebook socially.

Other uses of facebook are under scrutiny by psychologists (too lazy to site, too easy to google). To sum up a bit, people mainly post or scan. Facebook seems to have a postive effect on active posters, though it enables their narcissism. People with low self esteem will post depressing news or vaguebook for soothing comments, and they will get more depressed by the negative feedback they deservedly get. Meanwhile, those who spend most of their time scanning their news feed will get unhappier, anxious, bored, and jealous.

So the narcissists are posting juicy snippets from their lives which causes envy from the passive scanners. Compulsive people get more compulsive, depressed people get more alienated, addictive people get addicted.

And the husbands are living with sonambulists. Guys, say it with me: "put down the damn phone before I throw it out the window!"

update: for those wary of foreign foods, banh rieu is a soup with lumps of crabmeat, plain rice noodles and a clear/reddish B.O. flavored broth severely lacking in salt but brimming with either cilantro or an unspeakably awful Vietnamese herb. I'm vouching that many Westerners can't eat it, and I severely doubt that any Westerner would knowingly order it or crave it like the Vietnamese. Let me know if I'm wrong!

Turning the Table

Even if it doesn't happen in real life, I have to make my character win sometimes. Was starting to feel sorry for myself.

I was pretty shocked when Kurt Vonnegut wrote himself into his book "Breakfast for Champions." He met with his character and said something to the effect of "Sorry things haven't been going well for you, but they are about to get much, much better." If only we had that sort of assurances in real life. I'm amazed my character can still hang in there.

What's Wrong With You???

This is a much abused phrase. We Westerners use this when a loved one at a restaurant gets up suddenly and starts throwing knives at random patrons: "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU???" The wife uses this to counter such mundane phrases as "honey, I can't find the scallions" to "honey, I've got a headache" and "wow, what a beautiful day!" It stings a bit, though she has no idea why--to her, it's a perfectly acceptable phrase, manic inflection and all.

To go or not to go

Here's the hammer of "You never take me anywhere!" against the anvil of "we have no money!" Now, we do have money--that's just ridiculous. I don't know if there will ever be a cutoff point where she'll stop saying "we have no money"--even rich folk never seem to have enough. But I'm always down for a big trip. Then the "we have no money" comment stops our plans cold. This is not typical Vietnamese--I know plenty of VWWH couples who are always traveling around. However, planning among Vietnamese is a counterproductive exercise, and there were plenty of times when I was standing in a cloud of Vietnamese trying to figure out what to do--then we'd get in someone's car, drive in one direction, make a u-turn, and end up back at the house for some leftover durian and World Cup.

Today we did this again. "You never take me anywhere!" "So let's go." "We have no money!" I mentioned that even families who make less than us and have four kids manage to go to Disney World. She said they get lots of tax write-offs.

Bakers everywhere are wrong.

This is how she cooks every time, and the vast majority of the time it's fantastic. The rest of the time it's a totally new invention, like cake cookies or banh xeo soup, and once or twice she accidentally cooked a living blob creature that chased us around the house.

No place for idle hands.

Just have to say this first: I'm getting tired of "Really?" The first time I heard it was from Steve Buscemi in Portlandia and I thought it was very clever. Every time since then I've been thinking, "oh, REALLY is one of those "thing" words now," where one becomes instantaneously clever, and without all the prerequisites. "Just Sayin" (there's another one).

But as for the cartoon, this is a true story, and it is very annoying, but I'm ashamed to say that I lost my cool a little. Which is why I can relate to expats, and I'm in awe of those who are still holding their ground. So if I had any advice to expats still extant or just getting their one-way tickets to who-cares, it would be "don't lose your cool." You will. So you get it back again. And again. When you lose your cool for good, you will start thinking some unkind thoughts and this will make you an unkind person. Then you need to come home to properly regret your behavior. Easy for me to say because I did come home, but then my home is more Vietnamese than American. So I guess for everyone everywhere, not just expats, "don't lose your cool." And sorry Mom.

Choose your own adventure 3!

Post by Mallowman.

Choose your own adventure 2!

Post by Mallowman.

Choose your own adventure!

Post by Mallowman.

Transient Audience

Post by Mallowman.

Helping!

Jenny's mom is the queen of her kitchen. Every spatula and whisk has its proper place, every drop of dew is wiped, every bit of gunk is strained, every grain of rice is placed. There's no interfering. So when she comes to our kitchen, there's a constant struggle for supremacy. But she wants to take everything from me even though she has absolutely no idea what to do with them, and I end up wrestling with her to avoid us getting stabbed or burnt horribly. The wrestling doesn't usually help.

Visiting Parents

Well, the new futon (that I broke my foot trying to build) was a success, but we had to put the loveseat in front of a bookcase where it is eating up 30% of the living room. Our Ikea extending table is extending out of a window where it moonlights as a pigeon coop. Our TV is actually nested under the desk. When one person goes to the bathroom and another person leaves, they have to spiderman over/ under each other in the hallway. It's not easy, but folks, I implore you--is this not the Vietnamese way?

Three Interviews!

Chúng tôi vừa có thêm 1 buổi phỏng vấn với tạp chí Asia Life. Tổng cộng là 3 buổi phỏng vấn cho tạp chí!

I'm very happy to announce one more Vietnamese Wife Western Husband intervew! That makes a total of three:

Oi Vietnam magazine
Dep magazine (English version here)
AsiaLife magazine

They are very separate interviews, so they could probably be shuffled together to make a little biography. I'm so grateful, and of course I have yet another reason to marvel at my truly remarkable wife. I mean LIFE. Well, both really. Thanks everyone for watching!

The book in question at Amazon HERE. And on Kindle HERE. Sneak peaks at book #2 HERE.